Thank you for betraying me.....

Dear Beloved Reader,

This is an open letter for everyone who has hurt me during my life but mostly through the parent's divorce. I will get more into that another time but for now this is my very first letter I have written publicly to those who hurt me. I know there is many more people who have been hurt and betrayed. You have a your story and I have mine. I just want you to know you can one day you will be grateful for pain. That might not be today, I was there too. But today I am grateful. I am not looking for an apology. I look for freedom and this letter sets them free but most of all me.

~

Do you ever go back to the beach? I remember all our trips. I can still hear your laughter and recall how our sides ached from laughing so much. You had a piece of me, and I had a piece of you. What happened to us?

We shared so many moments—good, bad, and ugly. Yet, you disappeared as if I never knew you. Dear one, where are you? Where did you go?

They say time heals all wounds, but what a lie. Time doesn’t heal; its only job is to tick-tock. The only way to heal is to see a wound and tend to it.

"Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who eat my bread, has lifted his heel against me." Psalm 41:9

You know what the most painful thing about this is? When I was at my lowest, you left and dragged me through the mud as you walked out. I know I wasn’t always the best friend, but I would never kick you when you were already down. Yet, I looked for you, I searched for you—I needed you to tell me everything was going to be okay. The arms of comfort I screamed out for were instead met with being shoved aside and cast away.

What did I do to you? Please tell me, and let’s talk about it. I don’t know what I did to deserve this treatment. Maybe you feel I failed you, maybe you feel betrayed yourself. Maybe you even blame me, for reasons only you know. But you must be hurting deeply to be able to betray me like this.

Did I not fulfill your needs? Did I not tell you enough how much you meant to me? Was I ever enough for you? Please help me understand what I did to deserve this, for I am clueless.

I have spent countless hours and shed countless tears; if I could collect them all, you would be a millionaire. The brokenness I have known is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I was ruled by tyrants of confusion, regret, and rejection. These rulers beat down on me until I believed I was the mess-up, the mistake, the failure, the incompetent one, and the problem. That everything was my fault.

Looking in the mirror was nearly impossible because I didn’t know myself anymore. I believed I was the pain I felt, the mistake that caused this situation. I truly believed all the things you said about me. The trauma from this was the greatest earthquake I have ever known. You meant that much to me, in case you didn’t know. You were the stability to my shaking. I see now I needed shaking and awakening. The tears have sprouted a garden around me! A garden that I now dance through.

All this to say, thank you. Thank you for betraying me. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for all the silence, hurtful words, and pain. I see now that I depended too much on you, and for that, forgive me. We were supposed to be here for each other, but you have the freedom to leave. I can’t hold you captive, and when you wanted to go, I had to be okay with watching you leave.

You have taught me so many good lessons, and I can’t thank you enough for teaching me the hardest one: letting go of someone who means so much to you. I hope you’re okay and doing well in your life. It took time for me to be able to say all of this, but you know what? We don’t have all day to stay mad at each other. I don’t have enough time to stay hurt by you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life reliving this hurt, so I’m letting it go here. May life lead our paths together again, but if it doesn’t, dear friend, know that I have always loved you.

Much love

Elysa