Daddy......

Dear Beloved Reader, as I said, it's time to write the hard stuff and the stuff that scares me. This holds a lot of REAL EMOTION. I have shed many a tear today. It might sound too harsh, but honestly true emotions are. Some might think it's bitter, angry, and just wrong. So if you think that, I don't disagree with you. I have known anger as a close friend and bitterness as my safety blanket. But the greatest thing I have seen is the healing power of Yeshua. I have tasted and seen Him be the healing balm of Gilead. He has come countless times and gotten down to my level. As I lay there in a puddle of tears, He counts every one and mixes it with His power. Washing and binding up my wounds. Yes, this is real talk, but I can't help but share my weakness, for I have seen Him the greatest in it.

I warn you now, if you don't want to read something sad and real, do not continue to read. This does not stay sad, but TO SEE THE RAINBOW, IT HAS TO RAIN. Today's blog is for anyone who has been hurt by their earthly father. I was going to try to name off reasons of how you can be hurt by your earthly dad. But I don't know your story and you don't know mine. If you don't have trauma or pain from your dad, I am so happy for you and overjoyed that you are fulfilled in that area. Every child should be firm in the confidence of their dad's presence and love.

If you have pain, confusion or lose, I understand you because I have been there. We can rise up and not let the pain stop us. We have a Father in heaven that loves us more than anyone on earth. He is proud of you and will never leave you or abandon you. You were made in His image and you are royalty. You have been accepted at His table. He holds all the tears you have cried and wants to hold your heart and help you to heal. But it's okay to say you are hurting. To deny that you have struggled sets you up for more. Our dads are human, with human flaws just like you and I. If we could see why they act the way they do, we would see them completely differently. Just like we wish they could see us differently. If we could only see them as fellow humans rather than our dads, it might be easier. May we be open to being wrong and change. May we be honest enough to let down our guards. The biggest thing I pray is "Let me see him the way You, Yahweh, see him." Know you are not alone and there is healing for you. You are loved beloved child of The Most High!!!!

~

Why did you leave? How could you just move on with your life and not think you might leave behind so many pieces? How could you forget about me? How could you just use me when you were lonely? Then blame me for not being there when I had to draw boundaries. You think I am strong enough to bear this, forgetting everything that has happened. They say “The worst heartbreak is when your dad breaks your heart.” My first heartbreak was you. You think a text or a dollar could piece together this heart that is trying to heal. “How did I hurt you?” Is what you asked me, that by itself shows how much you have. I was once that little ponytailed tomboy who would do anything to prove that I am tough and can take anything. Now I am a woman all grown up still looking for the answer to “Why was I never enough for you?” Why was me trying to be so strong not the sign that I needed you? I ask myself why I let you get to me so badly and I see why because all I wanted to know was that I was safe and you would have taken care of me. I have tried to do the whole push it to the back and not care. But I than look around and see that I am blindly just hurting everyone around me and myself. You should have made sure I was okay and not thought I was so strong or so sure. Yet I got the blame, I got yelled at, I got put down for just trying to figure out what to do. You couldnt just see through my walls and see your hurting little girl. Why couldn’t you just take the battle and fight it instead of seeing me as the enemy? Blaming me for being hard, bitter, angry or distant. I know my flaws but they came from seeing myself through your eyes. Not enough. So I harden myself and arm myself to the teeth. The pain of the punch bag has been a friend because it can’t compare to the emotional punches I have felt. Yes this is so real and raw. You hate me talking this way, I don't like this either. But I can’t keep living in this pain. I try to tell myself I am over it but I am not. I know there will always be moments and I get that. These bleeding hands that hold the pieces you shattered when you slammed the door of my heart can't keep holding on. When I saw your back I felt the precipice grow and saw what is important to you. The precipice is so wide now. I will throw all these pieces in to gain the new heart that I know is on the other side of me truly letting go. The fatherlessness is not true because I have a heavenly Father and He never has left me, abandoned me or blamed me. He is proud of me and made me in His image without regret. I will let Him heal me and I hope you heal too. I know you have been in pain and you just don’t know how to handle it. But I just want you to know daddy I am not going to keep blaming you. Because you are a human just like me, flawed and messed up. Instead of seeing you as my dad I see you as a man. A man who needs love, peace and joy. I know Yahweh has us both in His hand. We both are in need of a Savior. So on our journey that has two different path ways I hope you find what you are looking for. And I know you would hope the same for me. I love you and I always will. Goodbye daddy I am not going to keep looking down this hole for answers like a wishing well. There are no answers in a wish, only in hope. As I dump these broken glass pieces of my heart. I see more clearly and I hope we meet on another side, a bridge of reconciliation.  Daddy wherever you are know that your little girl is healing and I hope you will too

YOURS TRULY

Elysa